Fisticuffs at dawn fandango
by wombatpower
Summary: Directly after stop in the name of pants. Georgia has almost certainly been dumped by the luuurve God and Dave has been suspended from school. What else could possibly go wrong?
1. Fight Fight Fight!

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**Why hello my fellow Gee lovers! This is my first fic based on these books so please be gentle with me, I tried me best to get her voice right :D**

**Disclaimer: none of these characters are mine. I wish they were, but that's the way the PANTS crumble. **

**Set directly after 'Stop in the name of pants' so will contain spoilers if you have not read that yet. **

**Any way, enough wittering – here it goes. **

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**Sunday September 18th**

**My room**

**12:36 AM**

Once again my eyes are all swollen up like mice eyes because I can't stop crying. It's a sheer desperadoes situation. I can't stop blubbing.

**1 minute later**

Has he dumped me?

**30 Seconds later**

Maybe I should have run after him like the lunatic I am but then again if boys are like gazelles that would have spooked him. I'd have needed a tranquilliser gun.

**2 minutes later**

Fantastic, then I would have been arrested.

**1 minute later**

Or he might have hit me with his handbag. Shut up brain and Dave the tart shutupshutupshutup!

**Crack of dawn**

**9:30 AM**

Must of crashed out as woke up with my cheeks black from last nights mascara. Do I care though? Non. I shall stay like this for always, panda woman, the only mouldy éclair in the cake shop of love.

**9:32 AM**

Libby came and snuggled up beside me, throwing cross eyed Gordy on my bed. I wouldn't have minded except for the fact he was covered in foundation.

"Poor gingey, poor gingey…"

"Bibbs why is Gordy covered in make-up?"

She just looked at me and gave me her crazy cross eyed smile saying, "He liiiiikes it!"

Oh good grief**.**

**10:57 AM**

All aloney on my owney as the loons have left for a day of fun at granddad's home. Mutti came up to my bedroom to try and get me to go saying "Come on Gee it will be fun!"

Yes, yes of course it will be. I can't think of anything better than watching granddad accidentally setting fire to the curtains with his pipe every five minutes. Anyway, I am too depressed to go out. The luuuurve God may or may not have dumped me, like a wrapper from the burger of love. I am a burger wrapper doomed to spinsterism for eternity. Just because I did the twist with Dave the Laugh.

**1 minute later**

Merde.

**1:07 PM**

Phone rang.

" Doomed spinster at your service"

"Gee?"

Radio Jas phoning again.

"Jas, if you are phoning to gloat about my red - bottomosity I'm not listening."

"Has he dumped you then?"

Tactful as ever fringey.

**1 hour later.**

Jazzy spazzy was actually nice to me, trying to pull me out of my bed of pain. She said "There are plenty more jammy dodgers in the shops." Is she suggesting I eat myself to death?

**2:10 PM**

I would try it except in pure selfishnosity Mutti and Vati have eaten what little nutrition there was left in the house.

**2:13 PM**

Oh I tell a lie, there's half a can of baked beans left.

**2:15 PM**

Door bell. Tough, panda girl does not open the door for anyone. They can stay there for all of eternity, she does not care!

**2:16 PM**

Door bell again. Honestly some people are just so self involved. Can't they see I'm mourning the loss of the love of my life?

**1 minute later**

Once, twice and thrice more the doorbell AGAIN!

So in a fit of madnosity I opened the door, and found Dave standing there, holding chockies in one hand and shower cap in the other.

"Hey Kittykat! I just came to see ho- Jesus Christ almighty, what in the name of PANTS happened to your face? Has Libby attacked you felt tips again?"

**2 minutes later**

Bugger bugger pant pant up the stairs to the bathroom. Mascara cleared and panda girl is no more but only have time for that natural look (mascara , lipgloss, foundation, touch of blusher).

**3 minutes later**

Skirt or trousers? Skirt or trousers? As Billy Shakespeare so wisely said that is the question.

**1 minute later**

Skirt.

**30 seconds later**

No trousers

**1 minute later**

No defo skirt. Must take advantage of the orang-utan gene being absent for once.

**30 seconds later**

Merde. Caught sight of myself in the mirror to discover that my nose has swelled up to twice it's normal size because of all my crying. I only hope Dave likes the 'flushed idiot because she scrubbed half her face off with a conk the size of Argentina' look in a girl. Wait, why do I care what Dave thinks anyway? Shut up brain.

**2 : 25 PM**

Came down stairs to find Dave wrestling with Angus again. He sort of looked up at me and smiled in a nice dazed way, like he'd just woken up. Mmmmmm. He is vair vair groovy looking, and I do love him. But strictly in the matey sort of way. Probably

"Your cat's eating my trousers." He said.

"Hnnnnnngh." Marvellous, I've lost the ability to speak.

He just looked at me and said "I just came to see how you were after last nights er, fisticuffs at dawn fiasco. I bought chockies with me and if you give me a quick snog I may even give you one."

Cheeky cat. Normally I would have duffed him up for that but instead I just burst into tears. He did a mad little jig over to me and hugged me really hard, whispering "It's OK pet, it's OK. You're gonna have to stop crying though, as I fear your nose may explode if it swells up anymore." It was only when he pulled away from me I noticed he was wearing the shower cap.

" Dave, why in the name of PANTS are you wearing a shower cap?"

"They said it was going to rain today."

Of course.

**Monday September 19th**

**In RE**

Thank baby Jesus this is the last lesson of the day. Not even RoRo's fake beard in assembly could cheer me up today. I've got the collywobbles about leaving school in case the luuuurve God is there. I haven't heard from him since Saturday when he stormed off with the massive humpty dumpty on me. Even Jas was being nice to me, wrapping up the last half of her jammy dodger. So to show her how much it meant I sent a note back saying, _Thankyou vair much mon pally, I shall treasure this forever._ You know what I got back. _Well if you're not going to take it seriously I won't bother next time_. Charming.

**3:30 PM**

Bell. Oh God, oh God, oh Goddy God God! What if he's there? I said to Rosi " What if he's there?" She said " May the nungas be with you."

**Outside**

Rushed outside like a loon to find a massive crowd of people by the school gates in a sort of circle. And I mean MASSIVE, chock full of Fox wood lads. Still, I do not care, for I am in heart-break hotel, and full of maturiosity. I am eschewing those fools with a firm hand.

**1 minute later**

Ran into the circle with Mabs, RoRo, Jools and Jas. Who was in the middle of it? Masimo. Who was with him? Dave. Of course – Merde.

Jas turned to me and looked very intelligent with her gold fish impression and Rosie, Mabs and Jools just stood there behind us like fools with berets on.

Then Masimo shouted at Dave " OK, let's do this properly now." He was quite literally ballisiticisimus, doing that weird wiggling of the fingers thing like they do in those crap martial arts movie things. Dave just grinned and said "ooh the handbags are out after all."

Donner and Blizten and PANTS, it was happening again. So with Jas I got in the middle of them (again) and said " come on guys this is just…" with Jas nodding like a nodding thing next to me.

Dave looked at me and grinned, saying " better get out the way ladeez, I think your boyfriend might start trying to batter me with his hairbrush in a sec."

Gadzooks alors!

**Home, in my bed of pain**

**9:51 PM**

Why is the world full of such poonosity?

**1 minute later**

I'm completely and utterly tuckered out after the fisticuffs at dawn fandango today, but can't sleep. I may never sleep again. I will be shark on land, except better looking… Hopefully.

**2 minutes later**

I think I'm now officially dumped by the luuurve God, seeing as my so called mate Dave decided to sit on his head and pin him to the ground. I must admit, very impressive seeing as neither of them are exactly small.

**1 minute later**

And at least RoRo had a good time pretending to commentate, though I don't know why she had to wear fake eyebrows and boy entrancers to do it. I turned and I said to her " Rosie, why are you donning boy entrancers and fake eyebrows?" She said " Why not?" Good point, well made.

**10:00 PM**

It was, in all the dramanosity, quite exciting, but even though they were fighting over me it didn't make me feel special or good. It made me feel crap beyond belief actually. As soon as jazzy spazzy and I were out of the circle Dave started doing his Mr T impression, jumping up and down on the spot holding his hands up like he was Amir Khan shouting " I pity the fool, I pity the fool!" It very almost had me in stitches laughing until Masimo took a swing and Dave fell on the floor. Still, he must have a very hard head because within seconds he was up again shouting " I aint going on no plane sucker!" before launching himself on top of the Italian stallion and sitting on his head.

**10:03 PM**

In fact, he only got off of him when Slim came outside to investigate why there was a huge circle of Foxwood lads shouting "Fight fight fight". She came up to us and Dave said "Ah good morning officer, what appears to be the problem?" He is, as often pointed out completely mad.

She said ( very) stupidly "Have you been fighting David?" (how in the name of panyhose does she know his name?) To which he responded, "No madam, my lip just decided to explode and leak blood everywhere." I swear she had a nervy B when he said that (it was jelloid chin city) which was vair vair amusing, before Slim began 'leading' him into his school's office across the road. Then Masimo just got up and looked at me like he did on Saturday, his yellow cat eyes just really… sad, before he walked away, leaving me standing there with Jas, RoRo and the other loons.

**10:07 PM**

Triple poo and merde. What ever next?

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**So what did you think? If it's any good I'll go ahead with the next chappy. :D**


	2. persistent incorrect uniform

**Hello again! Quite a quick update from me this time around as I got a bit carried away with writing. Once again I tried to get her voice right – not sure if I achieved that but hey ho it was fun to write :D Thankyou for all of the reviews, I vair vair much appreciate them. **

**P.S. No copy write intended, so please don't sue me as I can't afford it. **

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**Tuesday, September 20****th**

**8:23 AM **

Ah Gadzooks! I've slept in.

**8:29 AM **

Bugger bugger pant pant up the hill with Jas. Thankyou baby Jesus I have hair gel with me, because on this particularly fine morning I was fortunate enough to wake up with hair very similar to Russell Brand. No time for beret plans either, or make up. Fandabbytasic.

**School gates: **

**8:35 AM**

Just in time for Stalag 14 but is Hawkeye ever happy? Non. No it is not enough for her that I'm very possibly a dumpee with mad hair and a nose resembling a beetroot, she has to make my life even worse than it already is. I'd just spent about 5 minutes running solidly to get to this bat place, stopped for a breather with Jas just outside the gates, only for Hawkeye to give me a reprimand for "loitering with intent." Sacre bloody bleu! As I so rightly said to Jas " I bet she collects tea towels for a laugh."

**8:50 AM **

**Assembly. **

Slim in full flow of one of her many lectures about respect and conduct. Made vair vair amusing by Rosi whispering really loudly "Jahwohl!" in my ear when Slim began talking, making me splutter and go spazoid and even more amusing by the fact that RoRo and myself were nodding wisely stroking our beardless chins. Well, until Hawkeye saw us any way. She looked like someone had shoved an apple up her bum -oley. Which they probably have.

**Lunch time **

Huddled in the science block with the ace gang discussing fisticuffs at dawn fandango.

Ellen dither queen of England turned to me and flicked her hair in a flicky annoying way and said " so, um… who like, one the er, fight then?" I may have to kill her.

Jools answered "Dave, but it didn't last long anyway."

"Oh er, why was… um… that then?"

"Because Slim came out. Good thing to really as it looked like Masimo was starting to go blue. I swear Dave sat on him for about 5 minutes."

Mad woman of the wilderness ( Jas ) nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I timed it. 4 minutes and 36 seconds to be precise."

So I turned to her and said very lovingly " you have a bit too much spare time on your hands don't Jazzy spazzy?" She gave me her worst look ( freaky deaky) and shoved me off the knicker toaster. She is vair vair violent.

**German**

I'm ignorez - vousing she that shall not be named ( Jas ) because of her violent tendencies. Unfortunately she's also ignorez – vousing me, so it's not quiet having the effect I wanted. Ho hum, pigs bum, more pressing matters on hand. Strawberry or cherry lip-gloss? It is essential that I beautify myself in case I run into the luuuurve God outside. I must explain to him with all the maturiosity I can muster why I must not be his dumped burger wrapper. And then snog him senseless.

**PE **

Last bit of torture for the day thank god. A good old game of hockey is what any girl needs. Unfortunately Miss Stamp seems to have turned up the lesbian radar and was is busy 'inspecting' the showers. I may never recover from this. EVER. Thank all the voles in the world we have Rosi to distract her. She is actually so good at it, it is almost frightening. This time on the way to PE she 'tripped' and 'hurt' her ankle and so is doomed to walk with Miss Stamp to the sick bay as we all shower in a frenzy. It doesn't seem to matter that RoRo 'hurts' herself every week, I just think Miss stamp is glad for the attention. I must remember to point that out to Rosie when she returns from her trauma.

**4:15 PM**

Back from stalag 14 to find a letter for me. From Masimo. Oh god oh god oh gog – wait oh gog?! What's oh gog? I fear I may have become hysterical. My hands are shaking so much I think I need a horse tranquilliser to calm me down. Shut up brain!

**5:33PM **

Crying. Again.

**5:34 PM **

I can't stop looking at it. Mind you, I have cried so much that I've made myself go blind, so when I do look at it it's vair vair blurry. Good thing really. I'm glad I'm blind. I don't want to see the damage this has done to my nose. I can feel it swelling up so it must be serious.

**1 minute later **

Merde personified, that is my life.

**2 minutes later. **

How dare he! By note!

**2 minutes later **

I just keep staring at it like a staring thing on staring tablets.

_Ciao, it is smee_

_Georgia, I like you but you do not like me no? I am very sad cara. Pleez, it is vairy hard but I do this for the best. I am going to Roma wive my family. I will no telefono you no more. _

_Ciao bellissma, I miss you. Masimo xxx_

**6:00 PM **

The weird thing is that even though I have been dumped, and therefore the dumpee, I'm actually feeling alright even though I'm crying. Almost… Relieved? Sacre Bleu! I'm on the rack of love left all aloney on my owney in the bakery of sex Gods and I feel RELIEVED? Non, this is not correct, I must just be all worn out from my emotional turmoil.

**Wednesday September 21****st**

**8:50 AM **

My life has reached a new desperatnosity as I actually arrived early for torture. Hawkeye gave us the evil glare as we trudged through the school gates and said really loudly "What are you up to?"

As I have mentioned before, she is full of charm. Still on the bright side of all the poonosity Jas has decided to stop ignorez - vousing me. She just took one look at my nose when I arrived at her house and gave me a hug. I do love my bestie.

**8:51 AM **

I turned to Jas and I said " I do love you Jazzy." What did I get back? " Shut up, we've only just got rid of last years lezzie rumours." Marvellous, thankyou fringey.

**Morning break**

Busily discussing the Italian Stallion heart break fiasco.

Jools said " So how are you Gee?"

What did I say? " I'm splitting in two with heart break"? "I'm never going to get over this"? " I'm going to set up a wombat farm"?

No, of course not. I said " I'm not sure…" Because I'm not. This of course scared the pants off of miss fussy knickers and sent her into a fringe fiddling frenzy, and the other lunatics into mad Churchill the dog nodding.

Fringey said "What do you mean you're not sure? I thought you were on the rack of love?"

Honestly, she can be so dim. I said " But of course, but even though I cried so much my nose swelled up last night, I'm actually feeling Ok at the moment. Almost relieved…"

"Well, you can't be feeling that OK, because your nose is still swollen."

So I shoved her off the knicker toaster onto the floor. That shut vole girl up. RoRo just kept nodding like a mad nodding thing sucking her pen

She said " You still want to snog him?"

"Oui!"

Nod nod, slurp slurp

" But you don't mind he officially dumped you?"

" Sort of…"

"You'd prefer it if you were still dating?"

You know for once I didn't have an answer. I just sat there going "Hnnnnnngh" for about three minutes. That pleased her.

**Walking Home**

Walking homey on my owney because wilderness girl is ignorez-vousing me again, and ran into Dave the L. out of uniform. (ooh er ) He said " stop stalking me misses, you how I love it." Cheeky cat. Then I noticed he was looking like Dave the unlaugh. And his lip had swollen up. Oh poo.

I said " Are you OK Dave?"

He looked at me in the looking kind of way, which I hate, and sighed. Oh triple poo and merde and Donner und blitzen, Dave the unlaugh.

"Nah, I've been suspended from my centre of boredom and torture for the week for fighting with your Italian Homosexualist."

I was so stunned i didn't even think about defending Masimo, or telling Dave that he discarded me into the street bin of love.

I said "Why? Mark Big Gob fights all the time!"

He looked at me like I was vair vair dim and said " Georgia what you seem to have forgotten is that Mark Big gob is a twit of the first water, and would pick a fight with his own reflection, which now that I mention it, I'm pretty sure I've seen him do. Anyway he's never in school enough so they _can _suspend him. Me on the other hand… Well, the fat lip your girlfriend gave me 'doesn't give a good example'". The last bit he said in the naffest welsh accent known to humanity.

I said " Dave that is the naffest welsh accent known to humanity."

He said "Thankyou, I've been practising."

Anyway, it turns out the fisticuffs at dawn fiasco yesterday earned him his third reprimand of the term. Very very impressive seeing as we've only been back at school for about three weeks. So in a fit of madnosity I decided to ask him what the others were for.

"Well, first one was for "persistent incorrect uniform"" he said, waggling his fingers like a er, mad waggling thing.

"Eh?"

"You have your beret tricks, we have our tie tricks. After all, we are only human. How do they expect us to behave like adults when we are only teenagers? They supply the tools and we work wonders with them. My personal favourite is pretending to be Rambo by tying it around my head, but Dec reckons our best yet was when we linked all of our ties together whist we were wearing them and staged a protest about the lack of chips in the canteen. Of course we all fell over a lot and were put in detention for about a million years, but at the time it was vair vair amusing."

"Ah d'accord."

"And the other was for helping Rollo 'have a word' with the pillock who thought it would be funny to super glue his little brother to one of the benches. There was some swearing and little bit of violence, but I think the main reason it made Mr Sampson have a nervy b. was because it was in the middle of the open day fair and we broke a picnic table. Apparently it put the school in a very bad light, though I fail to see how even if I do say so myself, which I do because I just heard myself say it. "

Mmm, dangerous. My kind of guy. Still, that didn't explain why he looked so down. Last time he'd been suspended he was smiling like a loon on loon tablets. So I asked him.

"Why so down horn meister? For you have just been granted the freedom of 1000 PANTS!"

"Because Kittykat, I fear that my Mutti will tell my Vati and then I will be castrated. I'm still recovering from the last time I got suspended – I may never walk properly again."

"Dave can you leave your maley parts out of it please?"

**5:30 PM **

**On my bed with a nutritious meal of cornflakes and poptarts. **

The olds are down stairs playing 'tickle'. Erlack a pongos! Surely there are laws against this type of thing?

Anyway, what was I thinking before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh but of course Dave. Maybe I should give him a call, see if he's still alive… He really did seem down today. When we reached my house he didn't even try to snog me, just took my shoulder ( I don't mean he snapped it off, he just rested his hand on it whilst it was still attached to my body. Shut up brain! ) and gave me a peck on the forehead. It made me feel a bit funny actually.

**5:32 PM **

Vati came upstairs and knocked on my door.

I said very lovingly "I'm afraid Miss Nicholson isn't in at the moment, can I take a message?"

He came in any way and sat on my bed. Oh God he wasn't going to try and have a talk about feelings was he?

He said "You don't seem very happy at the moment." Well done dear Vati, very observant.

So I said "How can I possibly be happy with a family like this?"

"Don't be so bloody cheeky!"

Then he stormed out. Charming. Why can't I have a normal Vati? One that can have a shed for longer than a week without setting fire to it? This is the tragicnosity of my life.

**5:35 PM **

Rang Dave. It was bloody ages before he picked up.

"Bonjour, the Vati at your service. Please supply your name and address unless of course you are Barry from Windows direct, in which case I hate to break it to you, I said we'd want double glazing for a laugh."

"Dave, what in the name of PANTS are you on about?"

"Ah Kittykat, tis a pleasure to hear from you!"

And he actually sounded like he meant it. Finally Dave the un-laugh had gone. Hoozah! In what I hoped was a deeply attractive husky voice I said " Ah but of course. I was just ringing to see how you were, you know after being suspended and everything…"

"Gee, what's up with your voice, you sound like my uncle Joey – who makes everyone call him Josephine. Are you secretly a man?"

Damn. " NO, I er, have to take hormones." What in the name of arse was I on about? Still, nothing phases Dave.

" I believe your are in actual fact criminally insane, and that is why I like you so much."

Anyway, the nub and jist of it all is that he is officially in the merde – and that's all I got out of him before I heard "DAVID, GET OFF THE BLOODY PHONE AND GET DOWN HERE!" and then the phone went dead. Oh happy days.

**I hope this was Gut! It's slightly longer just in case I'm not able to update before I'm dragged away from civilisation with the 'rents'. Still, I shall try my best to update by the end of the week :D Also had a minor spazoid attack today in excitement of the film – the guy who plays Dave is exactly how I imagined him! What do you think? **


	3. The trousers of life

**Hello again :D thankyou very much to anyone who reviewed, I vair vair much appreciate it!**

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**Wednesday September 21****st**

**10:45 AM**

**Tarts wardrobe with Jools hiding from the fascists.**

You know life has reached new levels of inhumanity when you are forced to hide in the loos in order to stay dry. Sadly my life has reached that very low. It really is very uncomfortable with my knees up against the lav door, but that is what I'm forced to do to stop myself contracting pneumonia. Jools is sat next to me in the other cubical filing her nails. Still, that's better than listening to her moon on about Rollo. She has very little pride.

**10:46 AM**

Oh PANTS almighty, the Hitler youth have entered.

**10:47**

Outside, cold and very wet. What is their problem? Honestly! Wet Lindsey just came storming in knocking on our toilet doors shouting "who's in there?"

I answered in true geniusosity " no one" and then we got trooped out and given bad conduct marks for cheek! Sacre bleu, c'est ridiculous non?

**11:15 AM **

Trudged back inside only to catch sight of myself in the mirror. It looks like I have dreadlocks. And my nose has grown about 5 inches. Maybe it absorbs water? Is that why it swells so much when I cry?

**11:16 AM**

I asked Rosie "Do noses absorb water?"

She said "Only if you're snorkelling."

**Lunch with miss huffy knickers.**

Jas came up to me and sat down on my bench for about a minute without talking before saying " I may be willing to forgive you if you tell me everything that happened with Masimo."

Gadzooks alors! Since when had she giving a flying vole about me? Full of shock and surprise I turned to her and said " My my Jas, YOU'RE willing to LISTEN to ME?"

**5 minutes later**

Told Jas about the note he left me

She said "So you're definitely dumped then?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure Jas! He's gone back to pizza-a-gogo land, not to the shops!"

"Well I was only saying…"

"Well don't…"

"Well I won't…"

"Good don't…"

" I won't…"

Silence.

"Jas? Jas what are you doing?"

"I'm not saying."

She is so very ANNOYING!

**3 minutes later **

Jas said "And you're OK with this then? When Robbie dumped you, you went a bit Havisham on us."

I said "Who now?"

**Walking home with Jazzy Spazzy, Ellen, Mabs and Jools.**

Just got down to the end of the hill when we bumped into Dave and his posse (Tom, Rollo, Ed and Dec). Jas of course immediately lost her brain and ducked behind me saying " Ohmygiddygod have I got enough makeup on?" Never mind the fact her and Tom have been seeing each other for about a gazillion years. Ever since she thinks she's been acting 'Aloof' with Tom she has in fact been acting 'a doof'. Oh how I amaze myself sometimes with my humourosity!

Dave came up to us and said " Hey chicklets, how's it grooving?"

Everyone of course went into headless girlie mode, with the flicky flick of the hair. They really do have little pride. Not me though, no. I was cool, a cucumber in the salad of pillocks. So sucking my nose in and displaying my sexy 'tongue behind the teeth' smile I answered.

"Hi Dave, it's grooving well."

He smiled really widely back at me and held out his arm like in one of those 1940's films so I could link on. Awwww. Of course all the others were lagging behind now drooling over their boyfriends so that left just the two of us up front (oo-er).

I asked him how it was at home and he developed a very bad limp all of a sudden, which made me laugh like a drain. Especially when we passed by the bus stop and he scared the pensioners by shouting "Ah gadzooks alors, miney hippeth has poppedeth outy!". He spent about 5 minutes walking like he had a stick thrust up his bum-oley before he stood up straight and said "Does that answer your question?" I didn't know what to say.

**5 minutes later**

**Still walking home with Dave**

All the others had gone off now so it was just me and the horn meister. It was weird being alone with Dave and having my arm linked up with his. It felt just really… nice. Nice nice, not boring nice or 'cor blimey I've lost the will to live nice'. He was being really quiet so I turned my head to face him and saw all of a sudden he'd become really serious again. Like he was yesterday. Merde.

I nudged him in the ribs and he went a bit spazoid, leaping up like a salmon, before saying, " Woo there, easy tiger. I know I'm irresistible but learn to control yourself in public." Cheeky cat.

I said "Dave, you are incredibly lucky I'm such a nice and generous person, because otherwise I would have duffed you up royally."

He just raised one eyebrow in the ' whatever you say oh mad one' way and said in a quite voice "I'm sure your girlfriend can do that for you if you want him to. In fact, I'm betting he will do just that if he found out we're walking home together. It's all right though, I'm prepared. I bet he takes ages perfecting those curls in the morning so I'll just threaten him with this hairbrush. I bet he can't stand the thought of a single hair out of place."

Was he talking about Masimo? He most certainly wasn't talking about Jas, the mad furry one, because although she is vair vair violent towards me, she usually does a good job of hiding it in public. And also she is not my girl friend. I am after all, nothing like Miss Stamp. I admit I am blighted by the orang-utan gene, but that does not mean I have a moustache. Shutupbrain.

I gave him my worst glare and mumbled "No he wouldn't, because Masimo dumped me."

Silence. I wasn't quite sure if he'd heard me so I just continued blabbering on.

"I got a note yesterday saying how he liked me but didn't think I liked him and how he was jetting off to pizza agogo land to see family and how he wouldn't 'telephono me no more' and I cried and then I realised that I didn't actually mind that much that he'd just thrown me in rubbish bin instead of recycling and I just deci-"

And that's as far as I got before Dave just stopped and looked me really deeply in the eyes before grabbing hold of my head (no, not ripping it off but just holding it) and kissing me! Number 6!

**5 minutes later**

Mmmmmm, very very nice. He is without doubt the best snoggie about. Ha, I'm a poet and I er, know it. Shutup Brain! At first he took me by surprise so I still had my eyes open and had a very attractive klingon moment, but then I started breathing and had them closey closey closed, no cross eyedness for me! Mwa ha!

I could feel myself melting into him, with jelloid legs and jelloid knickers, and liquid brain – no change there then. Blimey if he didn't act soon I'd fall on the floor and bruise my bum-oley, and no one wants that.

Then just as I thought I was about to collapse from light-headedness he slowly moved his hands from my face and neck down to my waist and pulled me really close into him as I moved mine to around his neck. Mmmmmmm yummy scrumbos.

He moaned slightly as I did that and pulled me closer and then came the NIP LIBBLING! By baby Jesus Dave is the king of nip libbling. And you know what? Then I realised, I was snogging Dave! DAVE! And I really liked it! No stopping for me, I'd snog for always. Who needs food anyway? It was Dave giving me jelloid legs and jelloid knickers and liquid brain. Dave the sex god. Wait did I just rank DAVE with the SEX GODS? Blimey O'Reilly's trousers!

And then he pulled away from me and stopped. No, stop stopping you stopping thing! He looked straight at the ground and mumbled " Sorry Gee I don't know what I was thinking" and ran off in the other direction.

Sacre bloody bleu and PANTS almighty!

**5:30 PM **

**At home, knackered. **

Zut alors! I ran all the way home after the Dave incident and am consequently knackered beyond belief. And my back hurts like billio because I saw the blunder boys and had to do 'control' running. (develop a hunch back and look vair vair attractive) to stop my nunga nungas hitting me in the face. Honestly I swear they have grown since this morning. I blame Mutti entirely for this. Why can't I have normally proportioned parents? Anyway MUST phone Dave.

**5:32 PM **

Libby came into my room smelling of cheesy watsits just as I was about to apply my phone lip-gloss. She gave me her crazy child smile (definitely scary beyond belief) and started stroking my nose.

I said " Bibbs I'm just about to use the phone so can you be a good girl and…"

"FOR CHRIST SAKES BAD BOY SETTLE DOWN!"

Marvey. I'm being held hostage by a crazy toddler. And where does she learn that language?

**30 seconds later**

I know exactly where. Just heard my dearest Vati enter the residence and shout "FOR CHRIST SAKES WHO PUT THAT BLOODY THING HERE?" I believe he just fell over the cat basket.

**5:37 PM **

Still in my room having my nose stroked by Libby. Does she really think this is normal behaviour? No wonder Josh's mum doesn't want him to come around any more. Last time he was here he arrived with a full head of hair and left with a mohican. Vati had to pay compensation for the trauma.

**1 minute later **

Saved by Mum. For once I'm actually glad she came into my room. My nose was starting to get a bit sore, and god knows I can't afford for it to swell in size. Then I really would be just a nose with nungas. I really am not joking when I say that. I have seen the photos of Dad as a boy. I would rather snog Hawkeye than end up with a conk like that. Any way operation phone-Dave-before-Vati-realises-I've-nicked-the-phone commences!

**5 minutes later**

No answer. At all. Zilch. Mmm, must ring Jas.

**10 minutes later**

Rang Jas. Wilderness woman was her usual charming self.

I said " Ah Bonjour, it is I, Georgia!"

She said "What do you want? You know I'm meeting with Tom in 2 hours and I haven't finished my makeup!" Honestly, she is so self obsessed! I had to remind her of this fact.

I said "Jas, listen to ME!"

"What?"

"It's about Dave…"

"Oh what now? Under what miraculous circumstance did you find yourself attached to his mouth this time around?"

My god, she's psychic! How did she know that? Is my red bottom really that noticeable? I know it has a habit of rearing every now and then but surely I have not shown Jas this. Maybe I really am like a baboon, maybe it glows when I have the horn. I must buy more black trousers, that should cover it.

"Jas, how do you know that?"

"Because Tom rang about 5 minutes ago saying Dave was acting weirdly. Not normal weirdly but weird weirdly. You know the weird weirdly I'm talking abou-"

"Jas shut up before I kill you. What was he doing?"

Slurp slurp on the other end.

"Jas?"

Slurp slurp.

"Jas? What are you doing?"

"I'm shutting up before you kill me."

I slammed the phone down. That will teach her.

**6:15 PM**

There is only one solution, as I have spent the last 15 minutes trying to get through to Dave on the phone. I must therefore visit him. After all, he's suspended from school so it could at least 5 days before I see him again. MUST VISIT NOW!

**6:21 PM **

Finally escaped the home of the elderly loons after millions of questions. Honestly, they don't usually care this much, but as soon as mentioned Dave, Dad went into his " don't do anything that might be considered as having fun" rant with mum on backing vocals of "be home for dinner." Be home for dinner? The last time we had a meal together as a family was when Granddad introduced his 'girlfriend' Mazie to us, made a cup of tea and gave us all a biscuit. And even that was a disaster. He put the biscuits in the water, not the tea bags.

**6:35 PM**

**At Dave's house. **

Rang the door bell and spent about 5 minutes waiting for an answer before the door opened. I'm hoping it was his little brother that opened it because if not Dave's dad is vair vair young. And short. His head only just reaches my shoulders.

In as much maturiosity as I could muster I said " Hello, could I possibly speak to David?" He just looked at me like I was an alien before he shouted "Oi Flash (!) come and check this out. THERE'S A BIRD!" and before I could run away there was another lad the same age just standing in the doorway staring at me. I just stood there doing my (excellent) goldfish in headlights impression until finally I was saved by what sounded like Dave's Vati shouting down the stairs "Whoever it is let them in you little gits!" Why, it could be my Vati in disguise. Anyway, then they jumped out of the way and let me in the house before the first titch shouted "oh _David_, your girlfriend wants you!"

Stomp stomp upstairs, then stomp stomp down the stairs and I could hear Dave shouting " FOR THE LAST TIME YOU LITTLE SODS THAT IS NOT FUN-" until he froze into a fish finger when he saw me standing there, (except without the breadcrumbs all over his face) and had a weird sort of lip spasm before he said " Hey Gee… couldn't resist the call of the PANTS then?"

**7:03PM**

Dave's room sitting on the biggest pile of clothes known to all of human kind.

What is it with blokes and their clothes? In no way is my bedroom tidy, but my clothes are treated with the dignitosity they deserve. Dave on the other hand. He may have a wardrobe in his room but I'm willing to bet my nungas it's got none of his clothes in it. His wardrobe is his bedroom floor. Actually, he's not in here at the moment, so maybe I could just take a sneaky peak…

**10 seconds later**

Ohmygiddygod AVALANCH!

**3 minutes later**

Dave returned to find me trapped under his massive pile of junk. He came over to me and knelt down offering his hand so I could get up, before taking it away suddenly and shouting " Oh THAT'S where my action man tank went!"

**5 minutes later**

Dave's bed

Munching away on cornflake sarnies. I'm amazed that his Mutti and Vati don't mind me being in his room with him. I said to Dave " My Vati would freak and try to give me a talk on feelings if I was alone with you in my room." Dave nodded and said "Ah yes, but your Vati wears the trousers of life."

What in the name of Merlin's pointy beard was he on about? Anyway, I was just about to ask Dave about earlier when he turned to look at me really seriously. Oh poo and merde he hated me. He was going to tell me to get off his land in that crappy farmer voice he's always doing in front of Jas when she starts going on about badger droppings. But then he went really red all of a sudden and he said " I'm really sorry for acting how I did before Gee. I just freaked because I really like you and figured I'd gone too far because you've only just broken up with your Italian handbag connoisseur and that you didn't want me to do that and then I thought you would hate me and I –"

He was having a ditherspaz! Dave having a ditherspaz!

I said " Woah, calmy selfy downy" and he grinned at me. Oh thank the heavens. Then I don't know what it was that made me do it, but I grabbed his face and snogged him, number 6 again! And as I pulled away he smiled that smiley smile he has. He opened his mouth to speak and then sighed, looking down at his plate then at my face again and said " Gee, I don't know how to tell you this but…"

"Yes Dave?"

"...You have a cornflake stuck to your cheek."

Oh brillopads.

* * *

**Ah didn't think I'd make it that easy did you ? Don't worry there is more to come. I have much planned mwwaaaa! This one was also slightly longer coz this is the last update I'm going to be able to do ****before I'm dragged away. The next one won't be until about two weeks Sunday, though if I have the time I may be able to post next week. We shall see ma petite cabbages. Anyway, I hoped you like this – more is soon coming!**


	4. Official snogging partner

**Hello! you lucky lucky legumes, for i've managed to post in the one day of freedom i have in my 2 week hol. Well, for some of you it might be lucky. For others it will be a new fresh hell. Anyhow, the boring stuff :- thankyou vary vary much to everyone who has read and reviewed, i really really do love you for it. Sadly none of these lovely people are mine, but i have borrowed them for some hoots and laughs, so please no lawsuits. i hope you enjoy. **

**p.s The ending to this chapter is in fact rubbish as i rushed it, but i will make it up in the next chappy, i promise! ( I just wanted to get this posted before jetting off again ;) )**

**P.p.s sorry if there are a few spelling mistakes - i was looking through some of the other chapters and almost choked on my biscuit (which is quite a feat seeing as i wasn't eating one at the time) when i saw how awful my typing is :D**

* * *

**7:30 PM**

**Dave's room**

I can't believe Dave saw me with a cornflake stuck to my cheek!

**1 minute later**

Though I suppose it's not too bad as he had one stuck to his forehead (god only knows how it got there).

**30 seconds later**

In fact, I bet the big beardy guy doesn't have a clue either.

**2 minutes later**

Still, on the bright side of life, I think Dave and I are official snogging partners now. I'm going to assume we are seeing as he snogged me to within an inch of my life about 5 minutes ago. In fact I think we'd still be snogging if the titches didn't come in to his room oggling me every 5 minutes.

**1 minute later**

Oh here they are again. Fantastic. Just standing in the doorway staring at me. I hope they are twins because otherwise they look scarily alike. I also hope they are his brothers because otherwise they really have a problem with intruders.

**30 seconds later**

Oh thank the lord they've been escorted off the premises by none other than Dave. As he was trudging up the stairs with our light refreshments ( cheese sarnies with pringles and kitkats) I could hear him shouting " Oh you two, BUGGER OFF!" and then the titches scarpered, leaving the door free for Dave to enter. I looked at him and he looked back, doing the looking thing he does, and then he smiled really nicely saying " I apologise for my twits of brothers. They like to annoy me at every opportunity. They do it well."

I nodded like the vair wise person I am and said " Mmm, yes, yes I feel your pain. My parents do that."

He said " Ah yes, but your parents like my parents are elderly loons, and can therefore be excused. My brothers on the other hand have to learn to stop coming into my room and oggling my official snogging partner or I will kill them. I mean it, I have a gun."

I said " No you don't."

He gave me a cross eyed look and said " I might do."

"Yeah you might do but you don't."

And just as he was about to kiss me the door crashed open and the titches came tumbling in. I thought Dave was going to have a nervy b.

**7:46 PM**

**Sitting on Dave's bed**

Dave currently has his two brothers in a headlock. Vair vair impressive seeing as there are two of them. When they entered again, Dave sort of twitched ( like a rabbit does with it's whiskers. Well granddad's rabbit used to do that anyway, but then again granddad gave it a steady diet of carrots and whisky) before leaping off his bed onto the twit twins and pinning them down. Then he looked up at me and said very normally " Gee, let me introduce you to Johnny and Luke."

One of the titches started to struggle and shouted " 'S'not Luke it's Flash!"

I raised my eyebrows and said " er, Flash?"

Dave nodded " Yep, he insists we call him that."

Before I could stop myself I asked why.

Dave said "Because he likes to play with lamps."

Of course.

**11:30 PM**

My bed of snugglyness.

So all in all a good day. I'm officially the girlfriend of a newly promoted Sex god, have managed to get Libby out of my room before she pooed in it, and avoided being attacked by Angus the mad furry one. Nighty night.

**1 minute later**

Ohmygiddygod EMMA! Is Dave still with Emma? Am I a mistress? The other woman? I will never sleep again until I find out the answer.

**30 seconds later**

ZZZZZZZ.

**Thursday 22nd September**

**3:46 PM outside Stalag 14**

It is official, I will have to kill Jas. It is the kindest thing to do for everyone. If she tells me one more story about her and Tom 'vole hunting' or 'frog watching' I cannot be accountable for my actions. A girl does not need furry distractions when she is applying her makey uppy. We've only got another 5 minutes before the lads come out shouting "NUNGAS!" and I still haven't done my eyeliner.

**3:47 PM**

Jas was busily flicking her fringe next me pouting for England when she said " I don't think I'm going to be able to make the gig next weekend. Tom and me are going on a ramble to smooth things out between us."

I was just about to give her a vair much deserved duffing up when I realised she mentioned a gig. GIG? What gig? How could I have not heard of this?

I turned to her ( very stupid mistake, as my eyeliner was still in my hand and attached to my face, so it drew a nice black line across my cheek. Very Amy Winehousey. Except on one side. And in my hair.) and said " GIG? What gig?"

She said " You know, the Stiff Dylans gig. It's Masimo's last one before Robbie takes over again."

No miss fringey Bill Oddie I did not know.

I said " Jas, if I knew why would I turn to you, ruin my makeup and say 'GIG? What gig?'"

She said " I thought you were being sarcastic."

She is so very very dim. I was just about to tell her that when a hand slapped down on my shoulder and I heard Dave say "Well steal my umbrella and call me a cabbage, what in the name of Merlin's pointy shoes happened to your face? This is becoming a bit of a habit with you isn't it?"

**Walking home with Dave and the posse**

Honestly Ellen and Jools really have so very little pridenosity. All Rollo and Dec have to do is clap their hands and they're attached to their faces. Still at least they've done the decent thing and are hiding at the back. Jazzy spazzy has run off with Tom to train ferrets so once again it's just Dave and me up front (oo er!) while the others (minus Mabs, Ed, RoRo, Sven and the badger hunters) snog for Britain behind us.

He is being really quiet actually. Even though he did his usual loon impressions at the greeting ground (school gates) he wasn't being Dave the laugh. Mmmmmm. Maybe this isn't the time to quiz him about Emma…

Then just I was about throw away the whole Emma topic he turned to me and said " Sorry I'm being so naff and normal Gee, I just feel really bad about Emma. Being a hornmesiter extraordinare can cause many PANTS to break. "

What?! Did I hear that right? Has he finally got rid of her? Am I his official snogging partner properly? Do ducks have beaks? I nodded in a very wise way because I'm a very wise person and full of sympathosity I said " Ah but she will get over it. She is after all a member of the footie team. Their socks are ridiculous."

What in the name of arse was I on about? Still, Dave nodded and stroked his chin in the beardy way and seemed a bit happier. I really am a miracle woman. I should start charging.

Then he grabbed my shoulders and spun me to face him so we were about an inch apart and smiled his smiley smile and said "And of course it now means I can do this with loose abandon" before snogging me! number 5! In front of everyone. Even Ellen detached herself from Dec to stare as Dave snogged me to within an inch of my life. And it would have been really nice and rom commy and triple fab and marvey apart from one thing.

Rollo shouting " YES! GET IN THERE MY SON!"

Sacre bloody bleu with knobs on!

**4 minutes later**

Dave pulled away from me and said "So then misses. Will you be my official snogging partner?"

I just stood there doing my (excellent) goldfish impression, recovering from liquid brain syndrome trying to think of a more sensible answer than "Hnnnnnngh" when Ellen, ditherqueen of the century interrupted saying " So er, you… er… are going… um… out? Now… Gee?" They all looked at me like looking things on looking tablets when she said that. Apart from Dave. He was looking at the floor. Freaky deaky, not like Dave the laugh. And I don't know what made me do it, but that weird squiggly feeling in my tummy just exploded when I said " Yes, yes and thrice yes!" before I leapt into his arms like a salmon and made him fall onto Dec. Who squashed Ellen. Vair vair amusant.

**30 seconds later**

Dec shoved Dave off of his lap and said "Easy mate, I'm not that kind of guy!" before grabbing Ellen and snogging her senseless. Then Rollo grabbed Jools and said "fancy a quickie?" making her go bright red and almost pee her self with laughter. Really, no pridenosity, either of them. It's almost shameful.

**10 minutes later**

Jools, Ellen and Dec have sloped off now so I'm all aloney on my owney with Dave and Rollo. I will never ever understand boy kind. Ever. As soon as Jools made it to her house of the elderly loons Rollo came bounding up to Dave and jumped on his back shouting "giddy up, my legs are knackered from snogging." Dave just gave me a cross eyed look and said "Sorry sex kitty, my duty awaits" and ran off ahead of me with Rollo on his shoulders pretending to be a horse.

**1 minute later**

At least I think it's a horse. Though I'm not sure horses have wings.

**2 minutes later**

Finally they have finished. Rollo dismounted ( scarily realistic) and patted Dave on the head saying "Good job Laughy, I will indeady share my wagon wheel with you on Monday." What?!

I said "What in the name of arse was that about?"

Dave and Rollo looked at each other then at me as if I was an elderly loon before Rollo said "You take this one mate." Eh?

Dave wrapped his arm around my shoulder (mmm, yummy scumbos. I could feel my lips puckering up and my red bottom rising) and said " My dear Kittykat. What you have just witnessed is the age old tradition of the piggy back in return of half a chocolate snack tomorrow during graphics. It spans back as far as 3rd year when Rollo and my good self decided to partake in a subject known as design and technology while everyone else thought it would be better to take ( and he wiggled his fingers) 'That doss, Drama'. Apart from the fact that every break on a Wednesday I have to listen to Ed, Dec and Tom drone on about pretending to be trees and their masses of coursework, it has in fact worked out perfectly. You see, our graphics teacher is not blessed in the brains department and therefore does not notice we stage a picnic every lesson on our table. I bring the Pringles, Rollo brings the chocolate. However, in order to make sure the others don't get there before we do on the snack basis, we do tasks for each other to guarantee we get some of the delish snacks brought by our partner. Reserve them, if you will. I simply give Rollo a piggy back ride every week for five minutes, and he lets me copy his maths homework. If we don't do these simple tasks, the snacks for graphics picnic time can be given to anyone who pleases us. Do you catch my drift?"

I didn't know what to say.

**Dave's house.**

How in the name of Lucifer's PANTS did I end up here? Oh that's right, I was kidnapped. When we got to my house I said " right well, this is me." fully expecting the snog of a lifetime and some begging to stay with him. How wrong I was. Instead Dave just said "Oh no it isn't" (in the loudest voice known to all of man-kind) and picked me up over his shoulder, whistling to the tune of 'The Great Escape' with Rollo as I hit him with my eyeliner pencil. It was only when Rollo said "S'later" Dave put me down. Fandabbytastic. I've been taken prisoner by my snogging partner.

**5 minutes later**

**Still outside Dave's house**

I do not believe it. My official snogging partner is a complete and utter twit of the first water. We got to his house door when he said " holdy onny une moment. I haveth the keys to freedom!" and started rummaging about in his trousers (oo-er) to find them. Except he couldn't. Because they're still in his blazer. Which is inside the house (where he is meant to be because of the suspension fandango). So we are trapped outside until his twit twin brothers come back from school.

**1 minute**

I've lost the will to live.

**3 minutes later**

Oh brillo pads that titches have arrived! Thankyou baby Jesus and Buddha and Allah and er, every other God about! We can go inside! It is rather nippy noodles.

Actually, when you see them properly they look scarily like Dave. And exactly like each other, so I have no idea who is who. They looked at Dave and the slightly smaller one ( Luke I think) Said "Aren't you meant to be inside under house arrest for fighting?"

Dave said " Aren't you meant to be in detention for blowing up the science lab?"

The titch fell quiet, and then the other one spoke. "Yeah but we skived off it coz Ste managed to distract Mr Sampson long enough for us to climb out the window."

I just looked at Dave. He looked weird, like he was trying to decide whether to shout or clap. He chose clapping clearly as about 10 seconds later he cried "Outstanding boys!" before grabbing him by the shoulders and yelling "The keys! Give me the keys! A sarnie for some keys!"

**4:36 PM**

**Dave's room**

Dave is really quite a er, laugh! When we finally got into his house, the titches were actually alright. Alright in the sense of " 'Ows it going farmer" that sort of alright. It turns out they go to Fox wood as well, but are in 1st year, just started with Rollo's brother. I said to Dave "Shouldn't you be keeping an eye on them? Walking them home, making sure they don't get duffed up by the blunder boys, keeping them out of trouble?"

He just looked at me and said " Kittykat, nothing can keep those two lunatics out of trouble. Even if there was a death penalty for getting detentions that wouldn't stop them. In school Luke and Johnny are known as Flash and Bang because in their first ever chemistry lesson they blew up a science lab sink. And that's not an easy feat when you're only supposed to be watching the teracher. I just don't know where they get it from!"

I just looked at him and he just looked at me.

He said "What?"

I said "You're mad."

Dave said "No YOU'RE the MAD one!" and then he leapt on me, pinning me to his bed.

**4:37 PM**

Still pinned to his bed. I said "Control your PANTS and release me you loon!"

Dave said "Only when you admit YOU'RE the MAD one and say I luuuurve you Dave, you are sexy beyond words."

No, I'm girding my loins. Never will I give into such tomfoolery. Ever.

**4:39 PM**

I gave in. I said "Fine okay, I'M the MAD one and Dave I luuuurve you, you're sexy beyond words…"

Dave said "Why thankyou misses, and this is your reward!" and snogged me. Phwoar and a half with knobs on!

**4:56 PM**

Dave's Mutti arrived back from work. Dave leapt up like a salmon when he heard the door go and shouted "Lucifer's pantaloons!" before turning to me and saying "Run Gee, run for your life!"

He must a have shouted really loudly because there was a stomp stomp up the stairs and his door flew open a few seconds later with Dave's mutti standing there tutting with the twin twits wetting themselves behind her.

Dave's mutti said (well shouted actually) "Who is this David? I thought we told you under no uncertain terms that you can't have anyone around whilst your suspended! You stupid boy!" Wow. It was just like listening to my mutti rambling on at me. Dave nodded and stroked his beardless chin and said "Ah, but did you now?" Which sent her into a tutting frenzy of "your father will hear about this." Before she stomp stomped down the stairs again.

I said " I think I'd better be away laughing on a fast camel now."

Dave nodded and said "Yes, yes. My dad comes back in about 5 minutes and there will be blood. Most of it mine." Gadzooks!

**Walking homey on my owney.**

I managed to get out of the house of laugh without seein his Dave's Vati, but I'm pretty sure I can hear the shouting from here. Either that or the blunder boys are about. They really are so patheticums it is almost unbelievable. This morning Oscar came up to me and said "Fancy a smoke with a real man?" He is 12.

**1 minute later**

Ho hum pigs bum, it is tres boring by myselfy. I almost wish Jazzy spazzy was here wittering on about voles.

**10 seconds later**

No I don't.

**30 seconds later**

Mmmm, I wonder how Dave is now? Maybe I should call him tonight as I won't see him tomorrow… I hope he's going to the gig this weekend. Maybe I will call, just to che-

**1 second later**

**On the floor in a crumpled heap**

Ow ow buggery ow! Lamppost! I just walked into a lamppost! Cor blimey governor it doesn't half ache like billio!.

**5 minutes later**

I was in a crumpled heap for about a minute when I heard a voice say "Geez Gee, what have you done now?" I looked up and saw Robbie. Robbie! Gorgey porgey Robbie, with his bluey blue eyes. Robbie staring down at me as I sat on the floor trying to stop gravel going up my skirt.

I said "I may have walked into a lamppost" and he smiled before giving me his hand to get up.

He said "Are you okay? Can I leave you for this evening without you doing any more damage?"

I was in to much of a state to make sense so I just said "Hnnnnnngh." and that pleased him.

He smiled and said "Do you think we can meet up sometime? Tomorrow maybe, so I can check how your head is? I don't want you getting concussion!" No! No this cannot be happening! I'm with Dave, I realise I want to be with Dave, and then the Sex God lands again! Sacre bleu! Why is this happening now?

**1 minute later**

And why did I say yes to meeting up with Robbie?!

**Ah, i shall leave it there for the week. Sorry again for the rushedness of it all. Anywho, hope you liked - more coming vair soon - well next weekend. Ciao for the week :D**


	5. Red bottomosity

Friday 23rd September

**Hello, me again! sorry it's been so long but I've been mega busy, being dragged away from civilisation by friends and family. Hope you enjoy. It's a bit shorter than some of the others as I have just banged it out ( I felt bad for not updating in ages ;) )**

**Friday 23****rd**** September**

**8:35 AM Walking to school**

Oh my giddy aunt what have I done? Why did I say I'd meet with Robbie, oh why oh why, oh why?! No, it will be okay. I will just meet with him after Stallag 14 and put him straight. I will say "Non Robbie. I am eschewing you with a firm hand for I am now officially loved up with the laugh god."

**8:37 AM **

And no one will ever find out my red bottom has risen again.

**30 seconds later**

Ever.

**2:30 PM Blodge**

Why does school have to be so unbelievably PANTS? Seriously what Vas ist der point? If I wanted to learn how to make beard I would have mugged a baker. Vair vair annoying, especially seeing as Jazzy spazzy is nodding like a loon on loon tablets and LISTENING! I turned to her and gave her my (excellent) lock jaw germ impression and she ignorez voused me!

**2:33 PM **

Ha Ha! Take that vole girl. I kicked her really hard so she went all pink and the end of her nose went white. That will teach her for giving me the coldy shouldy.

**2:56 PM **

Oh my giddy aunt! I've just looked out the window and Robbie is waiting outside the gates. Staring at me. Smiling. Oh pants what I have I done?

**2:58 PM **

I turned to Jas and whispered " Jazzy spazzy I'm vair vair sorry for being violent towards you and what not, but right now I have an emergency of the highest order!" and then I pointed very casually towards the window. Vole girl actually paid attention for once.

She said " Oh my giddy aunt!" and did her very attractive goldfish impression before saying "I can't believe it's raining! I only just straightened my hair at lunch." I will kill her. I will.

**3:20 PM **

The bell. And Robbie is there! Oh god!! Lip-gloss or nudey dudey? Wait shutupbrain! I'm officially the girlfriend of the laugh god. Why do I care about Robbie? I don't that is the answer.

**3:21 PM **

I ran up to Rosi and said "Oh bearded one help me, Robbie is outside!"

She gave me the cross eyed look of a loon and said "And this is a problem why?"

I said "Because I think he wants to see me… because, I er, may have um, said that I would, er… meet up with him…" Sweet Mary and Joseph, I've turned into Ellen in my nervy b!

She just shook her head and "May the PANTS be with you."

Merde.

**4:20 PM**

**Outside my home… With Robbie**

How did this happen? One minute I was eschewing him with a firm hand, and the next he's got his arm around my shoulder walking me back home. I came out of school and there he was, all gorgey and bluey eyed and he came up to me and said "Hey Gee, how's the head?"

I smiled my sexy attractive smile (tongue behind teeth, nostrils under control) and said " Oh hi Robbie, yeah I'm fine!" Very good even if I do say so myself which I do, because I just did. Shut up brain!

He smiled at me (mmm, still yummy scrumbos) and said "Do you mind I walk with you?"

I wanted to say "Yes, actually Robbie I do mind! I'm taken, with the laugh of my dreams, be gone!" but what I actually said was "Hnnnnnngh."

Fantastic.

**5:30PM **

Why is this happening? I was all prepared to give Robbie the old one two and tell him to go and snog wombats like he was before, and then he looked at me and my brain went into it's liquid state.

We reached my house and he just looked at me really softly and said "This was nice Gee, it was nice seeing you." Kissed me on the head (!) and walked off. Sacre bleu!

**5:46 PM**

Rang Jas

I said "Hi Jas, look I've got a vair vair big problem!"

She said "Oh so have I! I can't find my rambling knickers anywhere!" Rambling knickers?! She really does have a screw or two loose. I must tell her this another time.

I said "No Jas this is about ME! Save your knickers for another time."

"Oh? I really do need my knickers, Tom's taking me out to the woods tomorrow to study the ponds for newts. You can come Gee if you want-"

"No Jas shhhh. My turn to speak."

"Oh. How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"Oh."

"Jas stop ohing."

"O- er, okay. What's the problem?"

I think Robbie wants to go out again."

That got voley listening. She said "Ah Non!"

"Oui! Big problem! What do I do?"

Suck suck on the phone. I think I could hear her twiddling with her fringe.

"Jas? Jas what are you doing?"

"I'm thinking… maybe they're in my PE bag."

I slammed the phone down.

**10:30 PM **

Just getting snuggled into my bed of despair and confusiosity when libby the mad toddly folky ran into my room and shouted "GINGEY IS A MOO COW" And chucked a half eaten jam and cheerio sandwich on my bed before climbing in her self. Her botty really is the coldest thing known to humanity.

I said " Libbs could you just get rid of the sandwich please?"

She smiled (freaky bananas!) and said "NO he's my FWEEEEEND!"

Oh dear lord.

**Saturday 24****th**** September**

**10:15 AM **

Woke up with jam in my hair thanks to the youngest loon. Life just gets better and better. Not only am I confused and puzzled – confuzzled – but I also have jam in my hair.

**11:35 AM **

Phone rang

I said "Jas, if your ringing to talk about knickers I will kill you now!"

"What if I've rung to talk about knickers?"

Dave! Dave on the phone!

I said " Oh er hi Dave!"

He said "Bonjouro Kittykat! Just ringing to say how much I aime you, or luuurrrrrrve you as the non french people in the world." Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

Anywho, the nub and jist of it all is that Dave is coming around on Monday after school ( if he escapes permanent detention for the whole fisticuffs at dawn fandango). Woo! He would have come around today but has vair vair sadly been dragged away with his elderly loons for the weekend to the land of pasties (Cornwall). Very stupidly I asked him why.

He said " Ah, because sex kitty my grand mutti is in the wars. She got too excited when she won 10 squids at the bingo and choked on her false teeth."

How did I not guess that?

**Sunday 25****th**** September**

**1:36 PM**

This weekend is vair vair dull! I'm in the same bat place all the bat time. All the ace gang have gone out with their 'boyfriends' to see Mamma Mia. So that means they've gone and paid a fiver to snog in the dark. Of course I could not go, for I am a widow of the laugh. And also because I've already seen it with mum and granddad, and whenever I even think of the film it brings back terrible flash backs of Granddad jumping up and dancing in the middle of the cinema.

**1 minute later**

Oh god it's boring being here! No phone calls or anything. Maybe if I just stare at the phone for long enough it will ring.

**2 minutes later**

Staring at the phone

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. This is ridiculous.

**10 seconds later**

Phone rang.

Ahh! Gadzookz alors! A miracle! Someone loves me!

**30 seconds later**

Bloody double glazing sales people. The only contact I have all weekend, and it's with someone called Shaun trying to flog me windows. Marvey beyond belief.

**2 minutes later**

Rightho, I will make the most of this (Vary) sad weekend and will do my French revision.

**10 seconds later **

No I won't. I'm not that desperate.

**Monday 26****th**** September**

**3:20 PM**

Bell

Oh thankyou baby Jesus FREEDOM! I think if I have to spend another minute listening to Ellen talk about how well Dec does his captain bird eye impression, I may have to duff her up a bit. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't send her into a laughing ditherspaz for about 10 minutes after every time she tells us, but when she gets started you can't shut her up. Still, no time to loose. I must run for the hills with Jazzy spazzy as I am meeting with Dave tonight and she's going vole watching with Tom (again). It's been a whole 3 days since I've had a snog, and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms. Oooh I'm puckering up just thinking about it. I haven't seen Dave since Thursday. Wait, THURSDAY?! Cest ridiculus non?

**3:27 PM**

**Outside the gates**.

Was just applying my natural look (lipgloss, blusher, eyeliner, mascara, a touch of foundation) to save time when Jas went all rigid and spazoid and started spluttering. I was going to hit her until I saw what she was staring at. Robbie. Outside school. Again. As soon as he saw us staring like loons on loon tablets he came over and said "Hey, Georgia. How's it grooving ?" Mmmmm, He's a very fit boy. Shut up brain!

I just stood there doing my goldfish impression. I've got very very good at that lately. Robbie just laughed and said " So can I walk you home again?"

Jas nudged me really hard in the ribs and made me leap up like salmon on a bungy jumping holiday.

I just didn't know what to say. So I said "Er, yeah okay. Yeah." Blimey. That very almost made sense.

**3:56 PM **

**Outside my house**

How in the name of Lucifer's pantyhose did I end up here again?

Robbie walked with me and Jazzy spazzy until we reached her house and said s'later (and she left agog as several agog things giving me her vole look) and then when we reached my house he dropped his arm from me and said "I heard you broke up with Mas from Lindsey and Tom said something about Dave doing a Mr T impression and sitting on him, but that's not why I'm here."

Then he turned to me and looked all sad for a moment and said "I miss you Georgia.(!) I miss how mad you are and how you always make me laugh with your pure, well, weirdness! And I guess seeing as Masimo is out of the picture now, I'd just like to ask one more time if you want to go out some time with me? I understand if you don't want to though of course but… well… we always had a good time before. Didn't we?"

No! Stop saying that. I felt like I was about to blub and I think he saw the warning signs of the nose expanding because he took a step backwards.

I said " Oh Robbie I…" And he just smiled really sadly.

He said "You like someone else?"

I couldn't speak properly because my throat had shrunk about 5 times over from my tears so I just nodded and then he nodded. What was this, a nodding game?

Then out of no where he just leant down and snogged me! number 6! Really yummy scrumbos number 6 with Robbie. ROBBIE! I was so shocked and jelloid I didn't even realise I should pull away until he did about a minute later. Then he just smiled really sadly again and said " Bye Gee, hope he's good enough for you." And walked off.

I just stared like a staring thing on staring tablets after him as he walked down the road. I didn't even realise that Dave was standing on the other side of the street until I heard him cough.

**Ah so there you have it. More will be up soon, probably in a couple of days. I've already started the next chapter so it shouldn't be too long until it's posted. More soon! :D**


	6. WHAT?

5:30 PM

Hello back again :D thankyou vary vary much to everyone who reviewed the last chappy, I feel very loved at the moment ;)

**5:30 PM **

Why is life so unbelievably PANTS and merde and PANTS!

**30 seconds later**

I can't stop blubbing! I just feel so… PANTS! Damn Robbie and his bluey blue eyes making me go jelloid. Damn my red bottomosity!

**1 minute later**

Oh perfect. I've caught a look in the mirror and I have three cheeks. Honestly you can't even recognise that as a nose. I will need plastic surgery to get it back to normal, that is a fact. How am I supposed to convince Dave that I'm not a prize tart when I have a conk the size of the land of Oz?

**1 minute later**

I can't that is the answer. Honestly it is just so typico and selfish of my parents to pass this onto to me.

I hate my life, that is les official fact and my nose is ridiculous.

**10 seconds later**

Poo. Maybe I should call Dave? Would he speak to me? Or would I just be left talking to the twit twins?

**3 minutes later**

It was really horrible after Robbie left. As soon as I heard him I span to face Dave and he just stood there looking at me in a very un-laughish way, and I just stood there gawping like a er, gawping thing. Then he said in a really fakey happy voice" Hi there Gee. I just came over to give you these flowers I thought you might like, you know, seeing as we're going out again and that I've managed to liberate them for free from my mum's vase but I can see you're busy so I'll just get on my camel and be off."

I ran over the road to him and grabbed his hand and said "No Dave honestly it wasn't what it looked like at all, I promise you, Robbie just came over to say-"

And that's as far as I got before he ripped his hand away (not literally ripping it off, but , oh I know what I mean) and said "I can't believe I fell for it again" and ran off. Real running. Like he does when he's playing footie. Except without the ball. Or the shorts. Or Rollo, Ed , Tom and Dec whistling the England theme song.

I just stood there doing my rabbit in headlights impression staring at him. I was so shocked I didn't even laugh when he tripped over Mr and Mrs over the roads garden gnome collection. And the horrible thing is neither did he…

**2 minutes later**

**Rang Jas **

Vole girl took forever to pick up the phone.

I said "Hi Jas it's…"

She said " Oh go away Gee, you know I've got Tom around at 7, and I'm still not dressed! We're going on our evening ramble remember?!"

"Jas I…"

"Yeah Tom says we'll probably see some badgers tonight. We found some sets last time we went out and think there might be some babies!"

"Look I…"

"Honestly Gee, I think you'd really like it. Just give rambling a go. Bring Dave, we'll have fun!"

"Shut up Jas!"

And I think I must have started blubbing then because then she turned really serious and said " I'll be round in 5."

**5:13 PM **

**On my bed with Jas working on operation 'Convince Dave I'm not a tart of the highest order' **

I must say I really do lurrve my bestie pally. Jazzy came around with pop tarts and lip gloss to help cheer me up and get me out of my hole of depression. Thank the good beardy folk the elderly loons aren't in. They'd try to talk to me and I really can't be bothered to pretend to listen. Also they'd know I've been crying, because when I opened the door the first thing Jas said was "Gadzooks Gee, your conk is MASSIVE!" I would have biffed her one except I am too busy mourning about how patheticums life is.

Anywho I told Jas what happened vis a vis Robbie and Dave and the garden gnomes. She just sat there like a lemon and said "Geez Louise" a lot.

I said "Jas can you please stop saying that?"

She said "Flaming Nora!"

I will kill her, I will. Any way, Jas said the best thing to do is to ring Dave and explain the whole fandango.

**5 minutes later**

Ringing Dave

No answer. Typico . I said to Jas "There is no answer."

She twiddled her fringe and said "Are you sure you have the right number?" Honestly she really can be thick beyond belief sometimes.

I said "Jas you really can be thick beyond belief someti-" and that's as far as I got before I heard a really quiet voice on the phone saying "Hello? Hello? Look, if this is a prank call I'm really not in the mood right now! Will you kindly bugger off?"

I leapt up like a salmon and (accidentally) shoved Jas of my bed in my fit of surprise. It would have been very funny if the situation wasn't so full of seriousosity.

I said (well yelled according to miss fussy knickers) "Oh Dave, it's me. Look I'm really really sorry about what happened earlier but it really wasn't what you think-" and then the phone went dead. Fantastic.

**10 minutes later**

Jas leapt up like an even leapier salmon and yelled "HOOZAH! I have a cunning plan!" Blimey O'Reillys trousers!

**3 minutes later**

I must say even for Jas the plan is rather pathetic. She turned to me and said "Gee, what if _I _phone DAVE and explain the fandango?"

Complete WUBBISH!

**1 minute later**

I cannot believe I'm letting her do this. Jas is actually phoning Dave. That is how desperate I am.

**6 minutes later**

Well that went spiffingly. When Dave answered Jas shoved it on speaker phone so I could hear everything.

Jas said " Hiya Dave it's Jas here!" (And gave me a thumbs up like the utter pillock she is)

Dave said "Oh, er Hi Jas."

"Yeah, yeah, I thought I'd just ring you know, to see how you are and everything." WHAT?!

Dave paused for a second and said "Jas, did Gee put you up to this by any chance?"

Jas just looked really shocked for about 5 minutes and then wild woman of the west said "No, er, I just wanted to… well… Okaygottogonow BYE!" And then she hung up.

Brilliant work once again Jazzy spazzy. She should get a medal

**10 seconds later**

**Phone rang. **

I leapt across my bed and picked it up.

I said "Oh Dave thank baby Jesus and Buddha you rang back now listen, I –"

"Er Gee, It's Tom here. Can I speak to Jas please?"

What?! WHAT?!

I turned to Jas and said "Po, It's Hunky for you." She went into full on fringe twiddling mode and mentioned something about 'respecting her privacy' but I'd given up listening.

Jas got the phone and said "Hey, Tom! What's this about?"

Mumble mumble from the other end.

"Mmmm. Mmmmm. Uhuh, yeah. Yeah I know. Oh poor Dave!" WHAT?!

I turned to Jas and mouthed "WHAT?!" But she just stared at me like a staring thing and said into the phone "Yeah I'll just go and ask her." And hung up.

Jas said "That was Tom on the phone."

In a fit of humourosity (Which is quite an achievement seeing as I am in a pool of despair and sitting on my bed of pain) I said "Really? I thought it was the pope."

Twiddle twiddle on the fringe.

"Why didn't you tell me you were on operation red herring?"

That stunned me. I was like a gold fish. A very big nosed gold fish. With tiny mice eyes from crying. I wonder whether gold fish do actually cry? Shutupbrain!

I said "huh?"

Jas said "Operation red herring two! Why didn't I know about this?"

I said "Jas, there was no red herring two. I have given up the ways of the elastic band and multiple trousers, I have put my red bottom to rest."

Jas said "Oh. Well Tom says that Rollo says that Dave says that he's 'gutted' (and she waggled her fingers. Making her look like a prime fool and a twit) because he's really 'into you' and you were just using him as a 'decoy duckie', so you could get with the 'big cheese' after being dumped by the 'hand bag waver'."

"Ah non!"

"Wait, you actually understood that?" Honestly she really is a bit of a twit.

"Oui!"

"Sacre bloody bleu with knobs on!"

"Ja!"

I said "So that is what he meant by saying he couldn't believe he fell for it again. I just thought he'd gone into bad liquid brain mode."

Jas said "So there is no red herring plan?"

"Oui."

"You don't want to get back with Robbie ?"

"Non!"

Then Jas said something that made not want to kill her for once. She said "Then there is only one thing for it. We must go around to the laugh head quarters!"

**7:30 PM **

**Outside Dave's house. In the rain. Wearing a leather mini skirt. **

Brrr, it's tres nippy noodles at the moment! Vair vair cold, so cold I'm worried about another nip nip emergency. That would not be good news. That would be vair vair bad news.

**1 minute later**

Just below Dave's window now. Hiding under the tree in his garden. Luckily his room faces the street so we don't have to go through the palaver of breaking and entering to get into the back garden. He also has his window wide open so we can shout to him when he comes back inside. Honestly what sort of a fool has their window open on the coldest night known to man kind when it's bucketing down? Dave does. Of course.

**2 minutes later.**

This is ridiculous. Still he is not in his room. I am just staring up into an empty space. Well, not strictly empty. It is after all a complete tip inside. How can one person have so much crap?

I turned to Jas and said "How is it humanly possible to have so much crap?"

She said "I don't know." That is because no one does. It' s a bloody mystery.

**7:46 PM **

Just as Jazzy spazzy and I were about to give up (Jas was moaning about how she's given up her night with Tom for me and about how her fringe was wet) Suddenly we heard the stomp stomp up the stairs and the door slam and voices!

By tiny Tims tiny beard a miracle! I thumped Jas really hard to shut her up moaning and we just kept crouched under the tree listening to what they were saying. It sounded like Dave, Tom, Rollo and Dec were in there.

The voice that sounded like Rollo said "Right ho Mes amies, let the meeting commence!"

Meeting? Do boys have meetings? Posse meetings? Non!

I turned to Jas and whispered "Did you know they had posse meetings?"

Jas said " Well Tom always mentions that they meet and have footie but he didn't tell me about this!" She looked a bit peeved actually, so I gave her a helpful slap around the head to get her focused on the matter on hand.

The Dec voice said "Oh shut up trying to speak french Rollo, you blundering twit, we all know you have no idea what you're saying."

Rollo said "That's not true! I'll have you know I got sixteen on my last vocab test!"

Dec said "Yeah and what was it out of?"

Rollo said " two hundred but that's not the point. It's still a personal best!"

Then the Dave voice said "Oy Ladeeez, focus on the matter at hand. This is about how patheticums my life is at the moment remember, not at how crap Rollo is at french, which by the way mate you are."

Tom said "Yeah Dave's right, we have a crisis on our hands. And Rollo I really do think you should drop _les francais._"

Rollo said "The what now?"

As I so rightly said to Jas, if Jools was with us at the moment she'd be wetting herself laughing. I do not joke.

Tom said "Exactly, that is my point. Now Dave, please tell us what in the name arse happened. When we left school you were happy as larry and went off to 'liberate some flowers'. Now you're being Dave the un-laugh and wittering on about cheese and hand bags. You didn't even duff up Luke and Johnny when they bundled you in the hall a second ago, what happened man?"

Dave the un-laugh! I thought that was just me that used that!

Dave said " Ah dearest Hunky, ( I could see Jas glowing bright red when he said that. I didn't say anything though, because I do actually value my life too much) I went to give her the flowers and to do some tip top snogging but when I got to Gee's house I found her attached to your brother."

Tom said "What… Robbie? Again? Are you sure?"

Dave said "Tom you know how I lurrrrve you strictly in a non homosexualist way, but sometimes you really can be a twit of the first water. Yes I'm sure it was Robbie. We have met before remember? He is often at your house when I go around, we sometimes eat chips together, he writes songs about dolphins and vegetables. Anyway, I saw them snogging, I had a fit of the tizzies, ran away and tripped over the biggest garden gnome collection known to all of human kind."

The there was a bit of silence and a mumble mumble broken up by Dec yelling "Oy got any more biscuits?!"

Then Rollo said " So when's Ed coming round?"

Dave said "Don't know. When he's detached himself from Mabs mouth I guess. Honestly he's always around there, it is very disruptive to my schedule."

Dec said "You don't have a schedule."

Dave said "I might do, you do not know for a fact that I don't."

Then Tom said "It's kind of nice though really isn't it? It's like with Jas and me, there's no red bottomosity involved. It's just the specific horn all the way through."

WHAT! How in the name of Lucifer's pantyhose does Tom know about my red bottom?

I turned to Jas and I said "HOW in the name of PANTS does TOM know about my RED BOTTOM?!"

She just went really red with the end of her nose all whitey and said "Er Gee, just look up for a second."

And I did. To find four lads hanging out of Dave's window staring down at us.

Oh perfect.

Ahah, that is all for now! More will be on the way soon, with the next chappy seeing Gee and Dave trying to talk sensibly to each other but surrounded by utter fools and twits ;) Hope you liked! 


	7. Gertrude

**just finished so i thought i'd post, before i forget :D this is the second from last chapter as i don't want to drag it out for ages. Hope you liiiiike. And also a very very big thankyou as always to everyone who has reviewed and who might reveiw! cheers guys, i really do luuuurrrve you. **

**7:53 PM**

**Sitting on Dave's bed, surrounded by lunatics.**

Well that wasn't awkward at all.

**10 seconds**

I bet people find crazy girlfriends hiding in their gardens all time.

**30 seconds later**

Well I bet Dave does any way. He probably likes the attention. Honestly, he is such a flirt, he thinks all the girls love him. Which they do.

**1 minute later**

And it has to be a good thing that he let us in doesn't it? When they caught us we just sat gawking at them while they sort of hung out the window gawking back until Dec kicked into action and yelled at us "Hey Georgia! Why in the name of PANTS are you hiding in Dave's garden?

Tom said "Oh don't worry she does this most nights" and then the two of them had a spazoid attack laughing and fell down into Dave's room. That left Rollo and Dave just staring like several staring things. Fussy knickers did not look amused.

Rollo said to Dave "Isn't that your girl friend down there?"

Dave said "Hnnnnnnngh" and ran off. Merde.

I thought I was going to blub again and turned to Jas. She was her usual charming self.

Jas turned to me and said "I cannot believe you dragged me into this!"

I said "Jas, in case you have forgotten, which you obviously have, this was your idea!"

Then just as she was about to hit me the front door flew open and Dave was standing there waving us in. He didn't smile at me. To be honest I thought he looked a bit peeved.

**10 seconds later**

Though that might have just been because he was embarrassed by his (very) attractive spider man PJs.

**5 seconds later**

And also because Rollo came running down the stairs and bundled him when he opened the door, and yelled "Hey girlies, don't suppose Jools is there? I could do with a quick snog." I thought Dave was going to punch him.

He didn't though. Her just sort of shrugged Rollo off and mumbled "Come upstairs and I'll get you some drinks."

Rollo led us up to Dave's room and shouted into a closed door "Oy Matt, go help Dave with the drinks will you!" Matt? I turned to Jas and she gave me her worst look (scary oranges!) so I didn't ask her. I guess he must be Rollo's little brother.

Anywho when we got to Dave's room Jas practically ran to Tom and snogged his face off. She really has no prideosity at all, it's almost shameful. Dec waved and smiled at us and Rollo rolled his eyes at Tom.

He said "Honestly Veggie man I've only just had my dinner, I don't wish to see it again."

Tom detached himself from Jas long enough to say "Shurrup you looser" and then carried on snogging. Typico.

I just sat on Dave's bed.

**Ten minutes later**

Dave came back in with drinks. He handed mine over ( orange squash with lemonade, mmmmm) and gave me a really small smile and then sat down on the floor.

He said "So then is this the dumping ceremony or do you and Jas really hide in my garden every night? I have to say I'm flattered really if that's the case but in future could you keep the noise down, it is very difficult to talk some sense when all I can hear is you going about your red bottom."

I said "Dave when have you ever talked sense?"

He said "When have I not?"

I said "Exactly"

And he smiled at me! Maybe this would be alrightio after all!

**5 minutes later**

**Sitting on Dave's bed still. In silence.**

Right this is interesting. Jas and Tom are snogging, Dec and Rollo are having a thumb war (I will never understand boy kind) and Dave is just looking at me weirdly. Right, I will just look back at him weirdly . Ha ha!

**2 minutes later**

Still in silence staring at Dave. This is ridiculous!

**1 minute later**

I give in. Someone has to break the silence. This is the longest people haven't talked to each other EVER!

**10 minutes later**

I gave in.

I said "Look Dave I –" but that's as far as I got before Jas, wonderwoman and vole enthusiast detached herself from Tom and said "Oh for love of all that's almost completely sane, just spit it out! Dave, Gee came over to say that there was no red herring fandango and that she isn't having a two trouser relationship. She also wants to apologise for snogging Robbie but he took her by surprise and she didn't use her brain ( I will kill her, I will ) and pull away. Now smile, snog and make up and let the rest of us get on with our lives. I gave up my evening ramble for you two!" and then she just carried on snogging!

Sacre bleu! I looked at Dave and he looked weird again. He caught my eye and grinned his horn meisters grin and said "So dearest Georgia, would you care to take a walk with me?"

I didn't even try to control my nostrils when smiling back at him. I let them roam free, free as a er, free thing!

I said "Yes, yes and thrice yes!" and he got up gave me a kiss on the head (mmmm), picked me up. (Properly picking me up. Like in a fireman's lift. So everyone could see up my skirt.) and carried me out of the room with Rollo, Jas, Tom and Dec following us singing "jingle bells."

**8:20 PM**

**Outside walking with Dave and other lunatics.**

Mmmm, this is nice. Strange how much dramaosity I've had today. I'm vair vair glad it's all over. Well for now anyway. When I get home mutti and Vati will probably eat me as I might have said on my loving note to them I'd be back by 8. Ho hum pigs bum I have bigger fish to snog. Ooo er!

I have to say that Dave really is a very very fit looking boy, especially with the moon and the rain bouncing off his eyes. They look almost green at the moment. I could just stare at them all night…

**2 minutes later**

Dave caught me staring at his eyes. He said " I might have taken you back Kittykat but I'd prefer you'd ask permission before mentally undressing me. Actually on second thoughts scrap that, I know you can't control your self and it would only be cruel to make you seek me out all the time."

Cheeky cat!

I said "Dave if you must know I wasn't mentally undressing you. And what do you mean by taking me back? If anything it should be _me_ taking _you_ back after the way you ran off earlier!"

Dave just looked at me and gave me his really scrummy crinkley smile and said "Ah but remember I caught you snogging Robbie Jennings. What was I supposed to think after the last fiasco eh? That and the fact I'd drunk about 6 gallons of coke at school today, so was chock a block full of sugar, and if I didn't run away I probably would have tried to sit on Robbie. And that would put great strain on Tom and I. We are so young, and that might have torn us apart. We may have ended up on Trisha. We might have had to get a divorce."

I snorted (vair vair attractive) and he smiled even more and said "Are you mocking me miss Nicolson? I am being deadly serious."

I looked at him again. I noticed he was still wearing his spider man PJ's. Even though we were walking outside. In the rain. With the other lads behind us pretending to be salsa dancers while Jas tried not to loose the will too live. That sent me into a fit of the giggles and spluttering and choking.

He looked a bit scared actually. It must be the nose. I've seen what it looks like when I laugh with loose abandon. It really is frightening.

He said "What in the name of my imaginary camel Gertrude is the matter with you?"

I looked at him but that got me into the giggles and spluttering again and then he started laughing like a loon as well. All the others just looked at us like we were mad. Which we are.

**4 minutes later**

When I finally managed to control myself I said " you're… wearing… Spider man Pj's… in the street…"

Dave said "Oh is that all?"

I said "Dave! it's a pair of tiny shorts and a scruffy t-shirt, and in case you haven't noticed, it is very nippy nooodles tonight and quite literally raining down on us. "

Dave said "You're mocking my fashion sense? That's very cruel kittykat. So cruel I'm going to have to punish you!" and he picked me up again (flashing my knickers to the entire world again) and just carried on walking with me over his shoulder facing Jazzy spazzy and Tom snogging for England while he carried on talking to Dec.

**2 minutes later**

Still being carried by Dave. I said "Dave put me down you fool and lunatic of the first water!"

He said "I can't do that I'm afraid sex kitty, that would break all the laws of physics." What in the name of PANTS?

I said "Dave, what in the name of PANTS are you on about?"

He looked really thoughtful for about 10 seconds and then said "You know, I'm not really sure." And then he plonked me down on the floor again.

**6 minutes later**

All the others went ahead of us so Dave and I were just left at the back, all aloney on our owney, walking along hand in hand. Mmmmmm. Very nice indeadyo.

Dave said "This is nice kittykat. Just us, the moon, the stars, the rain. The leaves and the snails. The worms that come up from the ground so they don't drown in the rain. The muddy sludge on the roads from all the worms and the slugs and the snails that didn't quite make it when they decided to come out into the rain and cross the roads before they got squashed by the cars of destiny. All the squirrels and the birds and the badgers and the foxes and the –"

I said "Shut up now please Dave" and snogged him to within an inch of his life. It was vair vair rom commy, standing in the rain snogging with all the loons walking ahead of us whooping like cheerleaders (apart from Jas who I could hear moaning about her fringey watsit. Honestly she is just so self obsessed.) I even bent my leg up like they do in those 40's films. It was only when I opened my eyes I realised Dave was doing that as well. I like to think he was doing it for a laugh, that is what I like to think.

**2 minutes later**

We were all walking along, Tom and Jas snogging the rest of us linky uppy armies singing that naff song 'we are the champions'. Well the lads were any way. I was just nodding like a mad nodding thing along to the 'tune'. As we turned the corner of Dave's (ridiculously long) street into the park guess who we found smoking in the bushes. The blunder boys, lead by prime blundering twit Mark big gob.

Mark said "Hello girls" to my nungas and then did that disgusting licking lips thing. Erlack! How could I ever have snogged him? Honestly his mouth is so huge I'm surprised I escaped alive. I will probably have to have counselling.

I was all prepared to walk away, full of maturiosity and dignified (fat chance) but then I remembered I had Dave, Rollo, Tom and Dec all linked up with me. I also had Jas who looked a little on the mad voley side. Mark had obviously disrupted her snogging.

I could see Dave going a bit into the incredible hulk mode (no not going green or bursting out of his clothes – oo er! –but getting really twitchy like he does when he's Dave the un-laugh) so I said "Come on Dave settle down" SETTLE DOWN? What in the name of arse is wrong with me? I've turned my snogging partner into a pigeon!

I could see Dave was thinking I'd gone a bit mad as well because he looked at me and said "What in the name of arse was that?"

I said "Cheeky cat! Look no fighting tonight okay? Just ignore him." Wow. I was really amazed with myself. Full of maturiosity. I could even feel Jas's eyes burning into my back full of shock and awe. I must be like this more often, it is a strange feeling.

We all began to walk off and Mark big gob shouted "That's it run away!"

Dave shouted back "Mark you really are beyond the realms of thick, because, as any normal person can see we are in fact walking away, you twit."

Mark shouted "Yeah well whatever. I'll get on her later instead!" What in the name of?

I stopped and said to Mark "What in the na-" but I only got that far before I realised Dave was missing from my arm. As was Rollo. And Dec, and Jas was left snogging thin air. Because all four lads were running towards the blunder boys.

The looks on the blunder boys faces were actually very very funny. They all looked a bit frightened. I looked at Jas and she looked at me. We just looked at each other. How was that helpful? It wasn't that is the answer.

Then out of no where Mabs was standing next to us with Ed.

Mabs said "Hey up what's 'appening ?!" in her chav mode voice.

Jas said "Mabs look to the left."

She did. Mabs said "Blimey! Is that another fisticuffs at dawn fiasco? Is that Mark big gob?"

We both nodded like nodding things.

Then Ed said "Blimey! is that Dec? and Rollo? And Tom ? and Dave?"

We nodded even more like nodding things. I felt like that Churchill the dog in those naff adverts. I only narrowly managed to avoid saying "Oh yes" in a very deep and tres attractive voice.

Ed said "Well nick my sandwich and pickle my onions! (we have reason to believe Ed is not the sanest of all beings) I better go and help out."

We all nodded now including Mabs. Clearly Ed was almost sensible. He would tell them to stop the duffing up and then we would all walk through the park and I could snog for England again. Marvey!

Except we forgot Ed is not sane at all. We just watched him run across the field and high five Dec ( or maybe it was Tom, they look vair similar far away at night in the rain on a field) and jump onto the massive bundle that was forming.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Sacre bloody bleu!

**And i shall leave it there for a bit. The next (and last sniff) will be up soon, probably by the end of this week. Do not despair though, all is not lost ;D i'm thinking of ideas for a sequel as i type this (wow multi-tasking) and i already have a new fic on the way (In Dave's point of view - i finally decided to be brave and give it a shot, so please don't eat me if it's PANTS ) Until next time, Salut!**


	8. Garden Gnomes

**A quick update from me now...**

**12:30 AM**

Well wasn't that a larf and a half.

**10 seconds later**

No. No it wasn't.

**1 minute later**

Well maybe a bit.

**5 minutes later**

I only hope Dave doesn't get called to the head sadist office tomorrow for _this _fisticuffs at dawn fandango.

**1 minute later**

Or Tom, Rollo, Dec or Ed.

**30 seconds later**

And where on earth did Ed and Mabs appear from? It was like magic. I half expected Ed to pull out a top hat and say "and for my next trick, I shall turn water into wine!" Actually I wouldn't put it past him. Ed is like Rosie except without the mad Swedish boyfriend and the silver flares. He has her bonkerosity.

**1 minute later **

And a fake moustache

**20 seconds later**

Poor Mabs.

**3 minutes later **

It was actually, in all the seriousosity of the evening, rather funny now I think about it. I did feel a bit sorry for Oscar though. He is only a junior blunder boy. I think that is why Dave and twits gave him a chance to run away. Which he did. It is just a shame that his trousers fell down and tripped him up.

And I have never seen Jas so twitchy before. And that is saying something. She was beyond fringe flicking and into the realms of the whole head hair toss.

I said to her "Jas, I think your hair is coming alive. It keeps on hitting me in the face." But she was in Jas land already. Probably dreaming of voles to stop her going into a full frontal ditherspaz.

She said to me "Oh god oh god ohgiddygiddygod Gee! What if Tom gets hurt?"

I said "Er Jas, just take a look at what is happening. I think the only person who will be hurt is Oscar. His enormous trousers seem to have hindered him and made him land on his bum oley rather hardy."

I was speaking sense. All three of us turned to have a look at what was going on but all we could see was Dec and Ed sitting down and Dave, Tom and Rollo talking to them.

Mabs said " Er, did you guys bring chairs with you when you came to the park?"

I said " No."

"Well Ed and Dec are sitting on something chair like."

Actually when I took a closer look I noticed she was right. They were to high up to be sitting on the ground. So Mabs, Jazzy spazzy and I started to walk over to the loons. Then I realised. Their chairs were people!

I said to Dave "Dave, what in the name of Slim's giganticicus pantibus is going on? Where is Mark big gob? Have you killed him and disposed of the body already?"

He gave me the cross eyed look and said "Ah but of course Kittykat. Taketh a looketh downeth below…eth. And I did. Ed and Dec weren't sitting on two separate people. They were sitting on one person. Mark!

Even Jas came out of Jas land long enough to say "Oh blimey Reilly!" but then she just started snogging her vole man again. Honestly. She has no pride. I looked for Mabs to get her support seeing as Jas was 'engaged' but then I noticed she and Ed were snogging for England as well! And Scotland. Actually the whole of Britain the way they were going on. No.5 !

Dave said to Rollo "Ah, my dearest son. Please escort this fool and twit to me."

Rollo said "Right on it my liege."

I do not understand them. I really don't

I said to Dave "Dave, you are COMPLETELY mad."

He said "Ah but of course." And then he lifted me onto his shoulders like a five year old. ( I mean I was on his shoulders like a five year old, not that _he _lifted me _like _year old. Because that is just wrong. A five year old could not lift me. Not unless it was freakishly strong. Shut up brain)

Then I almost had a laughing fit and a half because Rollo and Dec led Mark big gob to me like he was a prisoner. They kept on saying "Pip pip" and shouting really loudly in his ear lug "_Rouse_!" in a crap french accent until he reached us.

Dave said "Ah, we meet again. Apologise to my girl friend, and I shall give you back your trousers."

Mark said "But I am wearing my trousers."

Dave said "That is what you think. BOYS!"

And then Rollo and Dec started to pull at his combats. I thought I was going to pee myself laughing. Thank the good lord Sandra that I didn't. That would not have been pleasant for my laughing camel.

Mark shouted "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" and they let go and took a step back as if they were in a Mafia film. I think Dave knew what I was thinking because then he put on the naffest Mafia type accent known to man kind. I do not joke.

Dave said "You disrespect my friends, you disrespect my family, you disrespect me. I don't like to be disrespected. In fact, I disrespect you for disrespecting me. There's a lot of disrespect going on here. So, apologise to Georgia. No more disrespect. We'll let you go with your trousers and you will never speak to us again before you are spoken to? Oh an also, if you don't do as I say, I will tell everyone how you got beaten up by a guy wearing Spiderman PJ's. Capeesh?"

I think Mark was as confused as I was but he still said vair vair quietly "Sorry Georgia. No more bother." Then he ran off. Proper running, muttering something about 'a good binning' .

Ed let go of Mabs for a second and said "Should I go after him?"

Dec shook his head. He said "Nah, we'll get him in blodge tomorrow. Assuming he shows up. Which he won't, because he's a twit."

How true.

**Tuesday 27****th**** September **

**8:35 AM **

Oh bugger bugger pant pant run run to school again with Jazzy. When I got to her house she was already on her wall, flashing her pantaloons for the whole world to see.

As my granddad would say, you could see what she had for dinner.

I said "Jas, please. That is not a sight I wish to see. Please stop flashing at me. Those lesbian rumours will be around school again in a flash."

She huffed and puffed and duffed me up a bit. She is so violent. I wonder if I have to tell Tom about her violent tendencies. I wonder if he already knows about them. Mmmm.

**Chemie. **

I have been moved from sitting next to RoRo again! Sacre bleu, what is the point of life? I didn't even do anything this time. We have a sub in today (usually fun – not this one) and he was taking in homework. I didn't have mine because Angus ate it last night when he was high on catnip. Honestly, what fool would give him catnip, he is bonkers enough as it is.

Sub wannabe Hawkeye said to me "And where is your homework?"

I said "The cat ate it." And then he moved to the front for being cheeky!

**1 minute later **

Right, there is nothing left to do. I must pass notes to her madness.

**20 minutes later**

I sent a note to RoRo.

I spy my little eye something beginning with O.

She sent back

_Ah, that is easy. Orange. _

I sent

_No. Where do you see orange? It is a science lab, not a disco house_ .

She gave me the cross eyed look and sent back

_Looketh beneatheth your table. You shall find the answer there. _

And I did. To find nauseating P. Green's legs. Blimey O'Reilly's PANTS! She has joined the orange legged ones. I was so shocked I had to have a snooze to calm myself down.

**Lunch **

**Sitting in the toilets avoiding the Hitler Youth. **

Busily discussing the Mark big gob duffing up incident. I told the ace gang all about the Robbie fiasco and they all sat agog as two agog things.

Jools said "So you and Dave are alrighty now then? Are you official snogging partners?"

I nodded like a nodding dog.

RoRo said " I have to say I am gutted. I will never get the chance to see Mark big gob as an arm chair again."

Mabs said "Nah, I reckon there will be another fight soon. Mark said he would give Ed a good binning yesterday. As we all know Ed is not exactly small. None of them are. What's more Ed is not entirely sane. He will not take that lying down."

She speaks sense. We all nodded like nodding things again.

Ellen said "So er… do you think… that um… maybe they will er… be, you know… in like, any trouble?"

Then Fussy knickers stepped in. She said, "I hope not. I won't know what to do if Tom gets in detention. That will be our evening rambles gone. I have nothing else planned."

I said (very lovingly) "Jas, there is more to life than voles."

She said "How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"But how?"

"I just do"

"But how?"

I said "Shut up now Jas."

Jools shut her up properally (Thankyou baby Jesus) by saying "Maybe we should start a widows club, meet up for biscuits, discuss the traumas we are suffering at the hands of male lunatics. Rollo is always in detention, which is very annoying, as that means he is always grounded, and I have no one to snog. I am always by my lonesum."

Mmm, a good idea. I like it.

I said "Mmm, yes. Dave is always in detention with Rollo, or suspended."

Ellen and Mabs nodded like nodding things again. Mabs said "Yeah. Ed is not exactly a saint school wise."

Nod nod, suck suck on midget gems.

Even Jas perked up. She said "Er, yeah. Okay then. But Tom doesn't mess about in school much. He takes his work very seriously, respects it like it should be respecte-"

I pushed her off the knicker toaster at that point.

**Standing outside my house in a daze. **

**3:56 PM **

Wow wow and double wow! None of the guys got put in detention! And who did? MARK! Dave, Tom and all the others came running up to us at the school gates (Tom running normally, Dave in slow motion like he was in bay watch) and told us the good news.

Dave said "Ah, evening my chickies, we have some simply spiffing news for you!"

I said "And what would that be my good man?"

Tom said "Well, none of us are in trouble after yesterday."

Dave saw us all doing our (excellent) goldfish impressions and said "Yeah. Tom and I were called to the heads office this morning and we thought, naturally, that our meat and veg was for the chop-"

"Dave, please leave your maley parts out of this."

"Oh you luuurrrve it Kittykat! Don't pretend not to, it just gives me the horn. (!) Any way, we went in and were asked if we knew anything about what happened last night, and just as I was about to tell him one of my many splendid excuses he asked Tom whether Robbie was okay."

Huh?

Tom said "So I said 'yeah as far as I know', and asked him why. It turns out that there was another fisticuffs outside school last night and he thought we'd know about it because we knew the people involved. He just wanted to know if any students got in on the action, so naturally we lied and said Mark big gob and tosser Thompson were there. "

Jas said "I can understand B.G but why Tosser Thompson?"

Dave said "Because he is a tosser. And because he pushed in the lunch queue yesterday. He needs to be shown his place in the pecking order. "

Of course

We were all agog. Forget acting like the cucumber, I was a fully fledged gold fish. I was ready to be released into the ocean, I was that fish like. Except the salt water would kill me. Wouldn't it? Shutupbrain!

Dave said "Anyway, guess who it was fighting?"

We all cried "Who? Who?"

Rollo said "No, you clearly do not know Dave. You actually have to guess."

Jas said "Well, clearly Robbie…" And then she stopped. We were stumped. I was literally so stumped I was past stumped land and into the paper mill of confusiosity.

Ellen said "Oh just er… tell,um… us?" Well done Ellen, full of authority.

Dave shook his head and grinned. Oh he really does have a nicey nice smile… and it's all miney mine!

He said "You will not believe this but I swear on my pants… It was ROBBIE v.s MASIMO!"

Stunned is not the word. I was petrified wood. Robbie v.s Masimo? Not over me surely?

Dave looked at me funnily and said "Don't worry Gee, I don't think it was your fault this time. Actually, I think it has something to do with a certain stick insect…"

I shouted "WET LINDSEY?"

Dave fell back and pretended his ear drums were bleeding until I kissed him. Then he explained.

He said "Yeah, turns out she had them both on the go. Robbie found out after you told him you loved another (and he looked really smug) and when he went down to meet her she was snogging your Italian lesbian. Masimo said some stuff, they had it out, my spies tell us that Robbie won by sitting on him so clearly I had more influence in this than I first thought, and Lindsey ran off crying because she got dumped by both of them."

Tom said "Yeah, and the weird thing about Rob and Mas is that they are now matey type mates. United against one evil. They are doing the stiff dylans gig on Saturday together."

Wow.

Rosie said "Well bless my nungas and make me a vicar."

Indeady. Just what I was thinking.

We were walking along quite slowly at this point, so to speed everything up Dave had the brilliant idea to tandem jog with me. It was so brilliant in fact that no one else decided to join in, so it was just Dave and me jogging like loons until we reached my house.

He let go of the linky uppy armies when we were stood outside my house of loons. (Thank you baby Jesus that mutti and vati had gone out with Libs today. I wouldn't have to talk to them when I went inside.) Dave smiled really sweetly at me and stroked my hair for a bit. Lips pucker alert, I repeat pucker alert!

He said "So this is your stop then. It has been a pleasure as always Miss Nicolson."

I said "Dave, why are you speaking like a 19th century taxi driver?"

He said "It is the way of the PANTS, forsooth!"

I laughed like a drain and he grinned before suddenly turning all serious. Oh God what's happening? Not Dave the un-laugh, no!

I was a bit worried actually so I said "Dave… what's wrong?"

He just looked really deeply into my eyes and said "I was just thinking how beautiful you are."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

He grabbed hold of my neck and gave me a really soft kiss on the mouth. I could feel jelloid legs coming on.

Then he pulled away and said "Well, I'm away laughing on a fast camel, now, but I'll give you a call as soon as I get in, gorgeous. I know you can't resist me and it would just be cruel to make you have to suffer like that."

I said "You are so full of yourself Dave."

He grinned. " Ah, but am I though?"

"Yes."

"Good good. Call you later pet." And then he was off, running into the alley of luuuuuuuuurve.

I was just about to unlock the front door when i heard a "Ow, in the name of buggery!"

I turned around and found Dave sprawled across the pavement, with the 'across the roadses' garden gnomes all over the place.

I said "Er, Dave are you okay?"

He said "I think i may have broken my bottom."

I have a nincompoop for a boyfriend. It is official.

* * *

**So that is all mes amies! I hope it wasn't too bad for a first go :D thankyou very very much to everyone who has clicked on here, read it and reviewed. I can only hope it wasn't too torturous for you. I lurrrrve you all.**

**And for the last time, pip pip, farewell and toodles my cabbages! **

**The wombat xxx**


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